You Know What? No, It’s Not OK to Can’t Right Now.

Just a lazy Sunday afternoon scrolling through Facebook. It shouldn't be lazy, but that's a post for another time. I came across one of those dewy-eyed I'm-OK-You're-OK "let's all be gentle with ourselves" posts with one of those "SO MUCH THIS!" enthusiasm slathered over it. It was posted by a loved one, so I didn't snark on it. I'm a dick, but not that much of one. But I read it. Of course, I did. I want to understand how those who are forced out of work at present are doing. Any time I complain about having to go to work during The Days of COVID, I get the backlash of "Be glad you can!!!" and "We want to be working, we'd rather be working!" Any time I see yet another post about running out of shows to binge and being SO BORED and going insane with nothing to do anymore, I know I cannot say anything about being envious because of the inevitable chorus of "OMG CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!!!" that follows. Um, I don't, but that's a post for another time.

So, yeah, the dewy-eyed post. The blogger seems like a nice enough person. A little first-world-problem for me, but whatever. I mean, oh, whaaa, my home office is such a cushy place to read other people's news from and I'm still in my pj's at 3 pm... I'm SO crushed for you and your little privileged-enough life. She really seems to be suffering. I didn't bother to read much more than the post that brought me there, because blah. 

In this post, bless her lil' heart, she talks about how it's OK to come undone and not be able to do anything and that you *can't right now.* That if you are merely surviving, "that is enough right now."

Let's go with that. She mentions being 6 or 7 weeks into this whole not-being-able-to-go-out thing, but she can't really tell because it has all blended together. Great. So... how many weeks are we allowed to *can't right now*? Shouldn't we *can* at some point during this?

It's very simple. Yes, this is overwhelming at times. Hello? The rest of us are out there having to keep our shit together and *have to right now* extra. And we don't see an end in sight. When you all get off your couches after all your *can't,* we keep right on going. And hello? If you *can't right now,* when can you? When, exactly, can we count on you? Because we need all hands on deck, and if you *can't right now,* can you when we need you to? I can give ya the first few days, even weeks, of this. At some point, however, you pull yourself up out of it and DO something. Again, I’m the dick for saying this because I can't possibly know what it's like to have to lay on my couch for weeks on end not knowing what's going to happen and where the money will come from if this goes on and oh-my-god I have to cook again. I get the money thing, that is indeed worrisome, so how exactly does laying on your couch *can't-ing* help that? Hmmm? At some point, you better decide you CAN. Just. Decide. You. Can. Because otherwise, we all get the red handmaid outfit or the grey Martha get-up.*** And it will be because YOU COULDN'T.

If you *can't right now,* when exactly may we count on you to *can*? We are out here and we have to *can,* we have no choice, and it's harder than ever on us too. But we're getting shit done. The least you can do is try to put on your big girl panties and DO something. What? I don't know. I don't care. I'm busy out here getting the aforementioned shit done. Figure it out.

Read a damn book. Read a few damn books. Write something yourself. Journal this whole thing going on. Make long-term plans for the summer. Plan your garden. Plant your garden. Plant your neighbor’s garden because they are elderly or working. Do all those things you have always said you never have time to do. Learn about the 5 Gyres. Learn about methane clathrate and negative feedback loops. Read up on palm oil. Find out that a cracker plant being considered along the Ohio River Valley isn’t a place where elves work. Start that blog. Find your cause for activism. You always wanted time off, you grumbled about having to work, now you have this time forced upon you and you can’t get off your couch? Weak tea, dude.

We’re coming to the end of this. Maybe. For the first time? Is there a second round ahead? How much longer is this time?

Decide that you can.


***The Handmaid’s Tale, a 1985 novel by Margaret Atwood, and a series on Hulu

The Mama Bear Myth

The Urban Dictionary defines “Mama Bear” as a mom who can be cuddly and lovable but also has a ferocious side when it's necessary to protect her cubs, and suggests “a tough, aggressive, and protective mother, often going to extreme lengths to protect her child, usually her son, and herself.”

There are a number of memes and blogs saying things like, “If you mess with my child, I will unleash my fury and destroy your world” or “I may seem quiet and reserved, but if you mess with my children, I will break out a level of crazy that will make your nightmares seem like a happy place.” And a favorite: “You ain’t seen crazy yet … but you will if you attack my children physically or verbally. Hugs! Love, Mama Bear.”

Yes. All well and good. Sounds bold and protective. Except you don’t really mean it. I don’t believe you. When asked this question, “Is working to try to prevent environmental damage for the future really a part of being a good parent?” ninety-three percent of the public (men and women) agreed in an anthropological poll and study by MIT investigators. Yet, where are you? Where have you been on the great threats of our day?

You will overreact to some perceived slight and call it being Mama Bear. You will get all Mama Bear on those of us who might cast a glance aside if your child is having a public tantrum and we have the nerve to let a touch of annoyance cross our face, as though your child can act up anywhere but we are not allowed to have any feelings about it. Because you’re a Mama Bear. “Don’t mess with my cubs.”

Here is why this doesn’t ring true. You aren’t fighting the most important fights for your children. You are busy insisting you can breastfeed wherever you wish, and your children are allowed to run amuck in a restaurant and we have to tolerate it because they are kids and tough nuts to anyone else in the vicinity. You cheer on a mother who punched another woman for daring to speak about a tantrum the child was having. While you are doing these things, your kid’s real and actual future is in trouble. Your kids and your kids’ kids are in profound trouble, but somehow, this doesn’t bring out the Mama Bear in you. Why is that? Why are there so many moms claiming to be mama bears sitting back and doing nothing when climate catastrophe can be seen on the horizon, or when the chemical industry teams up with bioengineers to alter your children’s food supplies in dangerous ways?

We have the very real threat of genetically modified organisms (GMOs) and the chemicals they can tolerate on our dinner tables. You can’t be bothered. With all the studies pointing to danger, we ask you to use your mother bear might and vast numbers to help fight, but apparently it’s too much trouble. Your daughter’s reproductive rights are at risk, but you won’t go vote because you can’t or won’t make the time. BPA bleeding from plastics are affecting your kids’ long-term health, reproductive health, your unborn kids’ health and development, but you haven’t taken the time to even know what BPAs are. The research is everywhere, but you don’t know and do not care to educate yourself. Climate Change is here and it is causing widespread disruption to the point where your kid’s future is going to be very tough - full of droughts, famine, intolerable heat and dangerous cold, diseases, shortages. Scientists just warned that the oceans will be completely destroyed by 2048. Where’s Mama Bear on this urgent warning? Too distracted? Too tired?

You are not a Mama Bear. You fall for every convenience out there because you are so busy. You give your kids fast food and chemical-laden plastic-wrapped processed crap, because being a mom is tough and you are tired and don’t have time or energy. You are putting your kids in very real danger. No, it’s not the immediate and very real danger of a bully or a snarky comment in a store. It’s the slow, deadly danger of cancer. Or sterility. Or developmental difficulties. Where is your fury and your crazy here? Where is the Mama Bear now?

This is where I get a lot of “You aren’t a mom, you don’t know.” What I do know is that people like me who don’t have their own kids are fighting for your children. We are fighting on a pretty grand scale, as a matter of fact. We’re trying to make sure your kids have a future here on this planet. We are thinking ahead. I know we’re in trouble here, and I know you brought your kid into this world, but you aren’t really thinking about their kids with your Mama Bear claims. I am. I’m thinking about your kids and their kids and all the kids, everywhere, while you are busy growling about your kid getting a behavior correction from a store employee.

So before you get all Mama Bear and smack me down with a giant paw, why don’t you listen for a moment, and take the time to realize that I am on your side. I’m on your kids’ side. While you are all riled up in the moment, I’m in it for the long haul. Yes, there are some super-awesome moms out there. There are moms out there fighting the big fight, there are some really good Mama Bears out there. They see the whole picture, and this little piece is not aimed at them.

Think about this: actual mama bears raise their cubs then never have anything to do with them after about their second spring. Is short-term parenting what you are modelling for your children? I doubt it. Let’s drop the bear myth and end the misplaced ferocity, or better yet redirect your focus and anger to the real threats by fighting for your children’s future.  Let’s work together for the long-term future of children everywhere.

The Truth of Selfishness

All our lives, we are told that if we don't want to have children, we are selfish. Don't believe me? That's because you probably have children and have never had to hear it. And I don't mean the good best-me-I-can-be selfish which actually exists but of which most people are ignorant, but the me-me-me-I-me selfish because the world revolves around me selfish. "You aren't having kids? That's awfully selfish of you." "You don't want a baby? You must be very selfish." I won't get into the how and why of that, because I pretty much don't understand it, but I will say I used to agree and be OK with it. I figured since I didn't want to do the things that are involved with having and raising a kid, I must be selfish. Selfish with my time, my relationships, my possessions. OK, so I'm selfish. And I'm fine with that.

Except now I'm not. I've come to my senses. I got tired of being the bad guy, when the truth is actually the complete opposite. The truth of the matter is that there is nothing more selfish than having a kid.

From the very beginning: "I'm having a baby!" "I'm expecting!" "We're pregnant!" (Of course, that last one is always annoying. If anything, the two of you together failed at birth control. We? Your partner ejaculated and nothing caught it.) Look at all of these statements. They are all me-me-me.

Then the next eight months or so are all about you. How you are feeling, how nauseated you are, how your boobs look, what you can and can't do, what you want to eat, what you can't eat. How you are dying for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine but you can't because you are pregnant. How important it is that the world makes concessions for your condition. How you can't go into a place that serves a certain kind of food because it will make you ill. How you can't be expected to act normally and do certain things because you have hormonal fluctuations and you forget things because you are pregnant. It's not your fault. And no one else has ever been through anything like this before. Just you. It's all about you. Is that not selfish? That no one else's workday or home life is important because you are doing the very important job of breeding? Yeah, see, my life and my job are still going on over here and you are now negatively affecting it because you are the selfish one, not me.

selfish

/ˈsɛlfɪʃ/

adjective 

1.

chiefly concerned with one's own interest, advantage, etc, 

especially to the total exclusion of the interests of others

It doesn't end there. Oh no, it's just the beginning. Birth. Endless stories about what it what like and what the child does minute to minute. Come see my new baby and I will tell you all about me and what I went through and what my my my life is like now that I don't get enough sleep and it's so hard for me and you have no idea because you haven't been through what I have been through because you're too selfish to do what I did and I don't want to hear anything about you because it's all about me and what I'm going through because I'm more important than you because I brought another life into the world, so selflessly.

Somehow, it's all twisted into some weird illogical thing of not being selfish because it's all about this other life brought into the world. "See, it's not all about me, it's about my kid. So that's not selfish. I'm thinking only of my child. I'm very noble, after all. Not selfish at all. How can it be selfish when everything I do is for the good of my child?" Well, let's see. Let's go back to the definition posted above. Your kid is your own interest and you are chiefly concerned with your kid to the total exclusion of the interests of others. You can't attend something because of your kid. You can't get to work because of your kid. You can't pull your weight on a project to which you committed because something came up with ... your kid. That's all well and fine. You are raising a human. It takes work, and so-called sacrifice (although don't even try to tell us you didn't know what you were getting into - we knew enough to not get into it). But don't dare say I'm selfish and you are selfless for what you are doing. I'm still over here pulling my weight, and now yours. Because your life with your kid is more important. How does that make me the selfish one? I have to work around you and your pregnancy/kid things that come up because ... I'm selfish? I don't think that's how that works.

Let's look at that definition again with a different lens. "Chiefly concerned with one's own interest especially to the total exclusion of the interests of others." Why does one have a baby? When you ask, the answer is "because I wanted one." Or five. So, that was to your own interest to the total exclusion of the rest of the world, which is overpopulated. Too many humans for the resources here on this finite world. Humans are not endangered. If you weren't being selfish, might you have adopted a human that was already here, rather than further burdening the system? Rather than creating more of a carbon footprint? No, having a child is the very definition of "selfish."

Are all who procreate like this? Of course not. Not at all. Those that aren't like that have never called me selfish. So this was never aimed at them. There are wonderful parents who are really good at it and are raising wonderful kids and everything is grand. Those people are awesome. Those people never make it everyone else's problem. They are not selfish and would never accuse me of being selfish. I don't know how they do it, and they are super-aces in my book, because I could never do what they do.

Because, you know, apparently I'm selfish. Begin again.